Paler Gray Uncomposed Book / Also Scored Greta Thurstan

by Gregoire Pam Dick

 As Georg also Greta

                                                                                                 as Greta same-said awakened
               Ill as when when as whereas Georg
                                                                                                 feels as a weird pressure
                                                                                                                                             word pressure
               Never faced this corner before
 
My metallic body pale green like the death of underpainting
                                                                                                                               leprous corrosion of rosy
                                        skin
     Or silver-white metallic
 
     Liquid is
                              metaphysical liquids
 
                                        How morphine into
                                                       fluid or flow
                              Although he said crystal method
                              the two brothers same-said it: crystalline
     The sister sounded liquid
                         changing easily yet metallic
 
     Ergo mercury aka Hermes then w/ the love also, aphrodisiac
                                                       metaphysics
                    Was Grete a hermaphrodite?
                                             Her mental dick
                                             My metal lick
     This phallic metallic
 
               or tastes blood the same blood her/my husband’s idea
 
     St. Januarius was before he met Lou, she destroyed him, he resurrected himself
     But spurn his pathos. 
 
                         accident comedy vs. substance comedy
                         substance monism
                         illegal substance monism
 
     As when awoke from restless troubled uneasy worried
                                             figment
 
          noisy dreams sans fig leaf or daydreams was she sleeping during the day
 
                                             again intoxicated, high
     Intoxicant idealism
     Stimulant idealism
     Narcotic idealism
     Addictive idealism
     Chemical idealism
 
                         it is all so chemical or like the chemistry we shared
          myself and my brothers myself and my sister-in-law myself and my father
 
     Once your breast is broken
                              chest organ
 
     Also broke Greta Thurstan
 
     I never did this before                                                                         like this
 
                                   unknowing
          the white disc of the table almost too
                                        small for the metallic meanings
     Morose morph morpheme morphia morphine morphology
 
     How the word is the body, their illogic
 
                              my beautiful brother Georg his logos
                              Georg meaning farmer as in husbandry
                              therefore never Ferdl/Grete’s husband Arthur
     But I mean mercury
                         stayed fluid in the room
                                             at room temperament
     Am I locked in here have they locked me in a detox? This asylum
 
     As Greta Thurstan awoke one twilight from uneasy
                                        when they say that she was easy
          numbing vs. goading
 
                    the sweet brother/pond whispered narcotic idealism
                    the sharp sister/whirlpool retorted stimulant idealism!
     weren’t identical twins
     weren’t fraternal twins
                              smell of my male armpits, their hair
                              or my female hair as temptation said
                              she shaved hers I thought shirt off
 
                    is the type of woman who gives women a bad
     Like, vampire!
 
     Awoke as Georg
                                   while Greta is the vampire
                                   or Lilith
     So tired of being alone, without him
                                   do you understand?
                                   oh brother and sister
 
                         substance abuse dualism
                         I his narcotic, he my stimulant
                         he my tic, I his Antlitz
     Grete and Georg’s overlap
                              in her lap he put his face trip
                              or tripping
                              meanwhile Friedrich aka Ferdl, Ferdek
     A megalomaniac
 
     Syphilis vs. leprosy
                         mercury used for skin infections
                         the skin a love organ
                         I play the organ, also the piano and
                         this other keyboard
     Ferdek would improvise for hours, put himself into a trance or intoxicated state
 
                         inebriation idealism
 
     At some point, you leave the notes beyond I mean behind quit scoring, play new notes impulsive
 
               Fetzen means rag, scrap, shred, fragment, bit, snatch, Fetzig means wild like Greta/Grete not like Lilith/Lili
 
          fawn
          fox
          raven
 
          from the brothers’ fairy tales or poems, stories
 
                    ersatz Fritz’s Kamel or the sleazy camel cigarettes
                    but leopard would be closer to Löwe.  And to leper!
                    And Kind = kid
 
                              I hope this doesn’t destroy me, everything
               I didn’t want to be numb
                                   then something
     What am I doing in this room?
     They are all outside of it.
 
     As my words taste blood like the test of key the door I can’t get the mixtype half-prose half-poetry ergo in labyrinth
 
                    not quite ready to stop but have to stop
                                                 do I still have an hour?
          can’t get my head out of this bed, my bed out of this head
 
               can think only of sex around me: hypocrite, tease!
               Or as if all girls do is give each other head! Please!
               Shall I demo how we’d fuck?
 
                                        Cf. Georg’s hostile Grete unnerved by his poet friend,
                                        mannish Jewish Else Masker-Schwuler!
     Skin not always a disease
 
               can cause disease, unease, uneasy daydreams dream days
               vainglorious
               liquid as clear, bright or something
                                             snatches
     From the clutches of clichés are deaths.
 
                                   *
     It was how the sound builds slowly. And after so much quiet, sounds impossibly loud.
 
          A sound has volume only in the context of a sequence
 
                                                 but the stillness
                              not like death, deathly
                              shit caked in the sisters’ hair?
 
               He says they go off to the old men
                                        bare, leafless rooms
 
     As Greta Thurstan awoke one dusk from
 
                                             grown too hard my armor
     Tired of this room.
 
                         then Greta Thurstan wanted to go out
                         but she couldn’t stand up, even sit, it
                         gave her vertigo, entailed edge of a
                         mountain, cliff, abyss, strophe
 
     the high-pitched tone under the deep voice
 
                    I am a boy, my voice is changing!
                    She said, I like your high, girlish voice,
                    But she lied.
                                             It was a Lied?
 
     The unruined, unruly dream, to think you could avoid turning into your brother.
 
          he was with golden sores glowing on his pale skin
               his madness sat on his white chest
                    his back when he departed
                         the sister lies in the empty room of her brother
 
     I have to get up, thinks Greta; I have to get out of here
 
               Scored for piano, dark flute, vibraphone, chimes
               The way it builds slowly, lacking tension
 
          The collection of notebooks spread out
          Or mean it was all the same notebook, referent, but w/ different senses
          or w/ synonyms
          Or partial synonyms as the senses interpenetrate in idiolects bounded yet open like worlds inside you except
 
                    Our inside-out skin our infectious influx in fucks
 
     They said counterfactual, subjunctive as if Georg hadn’t
 
     I don’t know how to
                         how to do this I don’t
                              know how to do this any
                                        more I
                                             more don’t
                                                       know more
     I            I
 
     It was a traveler, wanderer, Wanderleben
 
                                        The picture a photo from their wedding or an author’s
                                        photo I mean translator’s I mean they will move my body
                                        when it is a corpse, won’t you, dear brother
                                        and sister?
     The street like sandpaper to rub you raw
                                   I would like to rub
                                                 you raw
                                                 your awe
                                        prove naked
                                        warring orb
                         there exists the rub
                         would like to
                                        rub/out/do
                                        erasure
 
                                        use a rubber not get pregnant
     The young woman with my brother draped all over her
                                                 a pet a pelt
     My brother Gregor hirsute
                              or a snake
 
                              she is disappearing into the beast animalistic
                                   all over me like a dead thing skin
 
                    ach my writing desk is too small and white my
 
                                        chest my body
                                        my weak chest which as always
                         now w/ teen acne
                         I am turning into a boy!
                         I am turning into a vampire!
                         Into a knight in shadow armor
                         Into a leper
                         Into a phrase that sounds rushed, forced, unclean
          my feelings
          their words
          their syntax
                    I do not want my feelings.
                    I want a system to avoid, spurn my
                                                 feelings
                                                 Ferdinand?
     She ran away from him.
     Tonight a literary party
     It said a storm
                              came down from a high to find herself lying
     I can hear, but I hear only ringing. In my ears, not outside them.
 
     It was supposed to be a dream.
     Now a rant.
                                   my italic hair
               I could not keep everything, the world, in my mind
               so parts of the world went quiet, withered, died
                              spaced-out idealism
     Does the world die in the pauses?
 
     Versus how six made their way in the world. Greta and her five beloved brothers.
 
          Why is that here?
 
     And the sister-in-law should not be here.
     Is she the father or the sister figure of my brother Gregor’s novella?
     As Greta Thurstan awoke one evening, she found herself turned into her brother’s
     novella.
     It was thin, rusty-yellowish, lay on its back.
     Nobody wanted to touch it, read it. Still wet. Her ink would stain them.
     I promised, I will avoid the pathos!
     But I lied.
                                                 It was too late?
     *
     Eternal reverse
     Will to remake
     Übermädchen
                         Will to make out?
 
                    and first-personalism , to replace Ferdinand’s perspectivism
                    oh, I have ideas!
 
          Eternal reverse is oscillation. Our metaphysical essence.
 
          Sempiternal would only be temporal. But the oscillation
                    beyond time, but in time.
                    eternal and temporal: the incarnation.
                    but not what happens after you die
                    but don’t you return?
 
                    fraternal return
                                        I saw my
                                                 older brother
                                                 beautiful brother
                                                 ghostly brother
                              the bell rang
                              it went off in her head
                                   she went off her head or in it
     too many uppers/downers
     it was the head brother
     the principal or most valuable brother
 
          the authorized representative brother
          the procurer
          the representational author brother
          the lead brother, or the leaden one
 
                         to get possession of, obtain
                         to make women available for promiscuous
                                                 sexual intercourse
                         to achieve
 
                         procure prod prodigy prodigal
     god
     a god
     goad
     the good
               suddenly disappeared into a room and
 
 
                         shoots herself full of lead
 
 
               now the leading role or plays the lead or plays the Lied
 
                              knowing good in evil
 
                                        too much stimulant!
 
                              spearhead                        serpent
 
               their father’s prick?
 
                    Or was it the brother’s?
 
                         The same brother? Or an older brother?
 
                         Such as Gregor? He liked to watch this.
 
          But the fall is philosophical. Compose it.
 
     Übermädchen. Übermaß. Don’t be such a sissy!
 
—Gregoire Pam Dick (aka Mina Pam Dick, Jake Pam Dick et al.) is the author, qua Mina, of Delinquent (Futurepoem, 2009). Her work has appeared in The Brooklyn Rail, Aufgabe, EOAGH, Fence, Telephone, and elsewhere, and is featured in the latest issue of Postmodern Culture; it is included in the anthology Troubling the Line: Trans and Genderqueer Poetry and Poetics (ed. TC Tolbert and Tim Trace Peterson, Nightboat, 2013). Her book Metaphysical Licks is forthcoming from BookThug in 2014.

Tags:
Poetry
BOMB 126
Winter 2014
The cover of BOMB 126
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